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Opinion column: Itís getting crowded around here

Posted: Wednesday, Jun 19th, 2013

This editorial was submitted by a Torrington ďresidentĒ who requested the space.

Dear Goshen County,

My frustration has built for months until I couldnít take it any longer. I had to write a letter to let you on my thoughts about an issue that just wonít go away.

But first, and how rude of me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cyclops, or at least thatís what all my friends call me (for obvious reasons).

Iím the distinctive, and dare I say handsome, black cat with the bright red collar youíve probably seen galavanting through my territory, the center of which is at about Main Street and 28th Avenue. Or maybe itís East C Street and 25th Avenue. Iím actually not really sure Ė Iím a cat; weíre not really great at exact locations.

But, anyhow, back on track. My issue is simple: feral scats. From my lofty perch in this tree, I look around and I see cats running around everywhere. Now, you might be saying to yourself, ďCyclops! How can you call out these outdoor cats, when YOU are an outdoor cat.Ē

Au contraire, good sirs and madams. For I am nothing like these wild savages. You see, I am a collared cat who can go home anytime I want. I have people who love me and are more than willing to care for me. I am also, in theory, spade or neutered Ė but whether I actually am or not is really none of your business!

But, these feral cats! Donít even get me started! Have you seen them? They lack even the most basic manners. Itís like theyíre buzzing on catnip full-time!

First off, climbing on cars? I mean, is there any better way than to turn our feeders, these humans, against us than climbing on something so shiny. Certainly there are better nail files than that black ďNissan 350Z,Ē whatever that is.

And the noise! I mean, címon already! Iím just trying to cat nap and every Tom on the block is fighting and quarreling like someone or something is on fire. Itís aggravating.

As if that wasnít enough, these cats seem to think the entire town is their own personal litter box. I see them going to the bathroom everywhere. Donít get me wrong, Iím not above relieving myself outdoors from time to time when I canít get back to my litter-box-cleaning humans, but I donít take care of business right next to peopleís windows! The smell of Torrington is strong enough without that little something extra.

Look, Iím not normally the type to bash my own species; I have great friends who are feral, but someone needed to say something. You see, I used to walk around town feeling like I was Mick Jagger at a Baby Boomersí convention. Children would see me and smile and point. Older women wanted to give me tuna.

That has all changed. Now, Iím just sitting on the corner, getting some sun, minding my own business, and I can see the disdain in the eyes of passersby. I miss being a celebrity. So, Iíll offer a few suggestions.

Stop feeding the cats! Yes, theyíre going to eat all the delicious-looking squirrels and birds Ė that I frustratingly canít seem to catch Ė more often if you stop feeding them, but it will keep the savages from growing and reproducing at such alarming rates. A kitten almost clawed my good eye out the other day!

Second, get them spade/neutered or get them out of town. I donít even think some of the nicer homes in Torrington could accommodate the number of stray cats Iíve seen around town, so housing them is out of the question.

And, I donít want to sit here and say to, ahem, kill them, but what are the alternatives? Maybe taking them for the old spade or neuter is the best we can do. But we must do something!

I have one last request. After we get rid of these vagabond cats, please leave more cook or uncooked fish outside your home. I miss the good old days where these brutish beasts didnít get every good morsel and I was the star.

Thanks for listening!



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